(00:01) [Applause] before I start telling you the story that I want to tell you today first I wanted to tell you a little story about the spine it's exciting so the spine is made up of a series of Bones stacked on top of each other and in between those bones disks and the role of those discs is to absorb the shocks of everyday life and those discs are made of a tough outer ring and a soft inner core so that's all I want you to know about the back for now but the important thing to remember is that tough outer ring and
(00:51) the soft inner core so the story I want to tell today takes place in 1999 the world is gripped with fear of the millennium bug and we're sure that all of our computers are going to crash which never happens at this at this time I was 26 years old and pursuing my dream of becoming an actor I'd landed a couple of speaking roles on television and I still had hopes that it might come true when my boyfriend at the time the boyfriend I've been with for six years said that he wanted to pursue his dream
(01:27) of becoming a fashion photographer and him that meant going on a road trip across America and living in New York now it had never been a dream of mine to go and live in New York but I wanted to be a supportive girlfriend so I said that I would go but as soon as I said yes I had this feeling in my heart it was weight that felt a lot like sadness now if I had have listened to that feeling what it was asking was why I was giving up my dreams or somebody else's but I was very good at not listening to my feelings
(02:07) in home I grew up in I learned that you had to sacrifice who you were to be what other people needed you to be I learned that feelings of any sort or a sort of weakness and certainly things like sucking or feeling sorry for yourself were not to be tolerated so despite my misgivings I packed up my bag and I went but as soon as I landed in America that weight in my heart grew heavier and the more and more kilometers we logged the heavier that feeling grew I kept hoping my boyfriend at the time would notice me hiding behind the person
(02:49) saying I'm having a great time but he didn't and so I shoved my feelings aside and we kept making our way and I decided that New York New York was where we're going to get to and New York is going to be the thing that made that feeling go away because what kind of loser doesn't like New York well me so it turns out that I really didn't like New York and then that feeling in my heart grew to the size of a bowling ball and it was everything I could do just to keep my body upright fighting against this weight and as many
(03:27) of us probably done I started looking around for little things to give me a shot of joy so I could keep faking my happiness so I ate a lot of chocolate and I drank a truckload of wine and as others may have done in the past I found myself in a shoe shop looking at the perfect pair of boots that was going to make everything all better but I've been cursed with high arches and as I went to put on these boots in the shop over these arches I felt something in my back go Wayne and I was flooded with the worst feeling I've ever had in my life
(04:06) I didn't know what to do and I didn't know that actually what had happened was that that tough outer ring had given way and that soft inner core had forced its way out and and pressing on a nerve finally demanding to be seen but I didn't know that at the time all I knew was I had to get out of that shoe shop so I got the lady to help me take the shoe off because I couldn't sort of lean forward properly and i hobbled out of the shop and I found myself on the street and I'm standing there thinking I
(04:38) didn't know what to do didn't occur to me to call an ambulance didn't even occur to me to hail a cab because I was thinking I'll save myself some money so I can buy the boots so I'm gonna walk to the subway which is a couple of blocks away and I'm gonna get a train home so I start making my way to the subway one foot in front of the other because I'm a tough outer ring kind of person there's no soft inner core as far as I'm aware and I keep walking and eventually I make it into foyer of Grand Central Station
(05:10) now I don't know if you've ever been to the foyer of Grand Central Station but there's this huge dome ceiling and I make them and I make my way in there and by this time I am completely gray and I've got that feeling like I may pass out at any minute I'm in a cold sweat but as I arrive this light show starts playing across the roof and I've been to Grand Central Station quite a few times by this point and I've never seen this particular light show so I was like I'm a tourist don't mean in York I'm not
(05:39) gonna not watch the light show so I'm standing there watching the light show going oh this is really good I love this oh no I don't wonder if anyone else has seen this and there's like chiming music you know as I'm standing there I'm thinking maybe it's not so bad I think I've made it out actually oh you know I'm standing there and it's you know they're feeling in my back maybe it's not so bad and the light show ends and I realize I can't move at all so I'm stuck in this position going okay
(06:08) right I go to put my head down can't do it go to step forward can't do it so I'm standing in the middle of this foyer Grand Central Station going but I still think I'll just get I'll just make my way down to the subway so I start shimmying across like this trying to get to the air of where I can find a railing so I can hold on to the railing so I can support myself to get down the steps eventually someone comes over to me and says are you okay and I go and he says okay the neck and then the next thing that
(06:49) happens is I'm standing there and finally I'm holding on to a railing at least and a policeman turns up in front of me and it says what seems to be the problem man and I said I've hurt my back and it gets out his walkie-talkie says we've got a 26 year old female with a back problem and then it gets more American than that the next thing I know the fire brigade come and cordon off an entire section of Grand Central Station and so there's strains of people walking past me like terrorists terrorists and
(07:28) I'm standing there kind of trying to smile and so they cordon off that entire section and then eventually the ambulance arrives and they take me away and they put me on that stretcher and just putting me on that stretcher I pass out from the pain because that has you know crushed that vertebrae even more but eventually I get to hospital and they give me a lot of drugs and I realized that I can't go on pretending anymore and as soon as I get a bit better my boyfriend is away on a shoot in Miami living his dream and I decide I'm going
(08:08) to come back to Australia so I come back to Australia and for the first time in my life I live by myself and that's you know no boyfriend no siblings no flatmates just me alone in a house with my own thoughts and what I came to realize was how much energy I put into second-guessing what everyone else wanted or thought or needed from me and I spent so much of my life see myself into whatever shape they needed me to be and I never spent any time wondering who I was or what I wanted and I realized actually in the
(08:56) home that I grew up in that was necessary to keep me out of trouble I had to keep twisting myself into whatever shape my father needed me to be and I realized that I had put in a lot of energy my whole life into trying to make sure that nobody ever saw the real me because if I wasn't the real me it didn't hurt so much when my father hit me and if I wasn't the real me it didn't matter so much when my mum was drunk and couldn't cook dinner or look after me there is a psychoanalyst called the W Winnicott who has explored this
(09:35) concept of the false self and he said it is a joy to be hidden and a disaster not to be found I had spent my entire life hiding hoping that somebody would come along and see me but when I lived alone what I realized that no one was coming to find me and I had to be the one to go and find myself problem was I had no idea how so I went into therapy and what I discovered was that there is a lot of ways that we hide and I was particularly good at all of them you have to have some skills so one of the ways I hid was
(10:18) by living by myself not answering an email not answering any text messages not responding to phone calls not responding to anything from the outside world so I physically hid myself away another way that I here was by drinking a lot of wine and pretending like I was having a great time all the time sometimes I didn't have a great time but it was really not real and but I found the major way that I had was by not letting anyone know how I really felt or what I really thought and I came to see that I did that
(10:58) because I was absolutely terrified that if anyone saw the real me that soft inner core me but they would despise me and I didn't know if I could bear it but gradually with the help of a therapist I decided I was going to get brave not really brave a little bit brave because I decided I would do an experiment with somebody who if they did despise me and they never spoke to me again which was things I thought was exactly what was going to happen then I could live with that so this night I decided it was going to be the night I was gonna be my
(11:35) real self in front of somebody I wasn't gonna make any grand statements I just wasn't going to say the thing I would thought they wanted to hear from me and I wasn't gonna squash down my feelings I was just going to be as much of my authentic self as possible and I built up to this moment and when I said this truth I was sure there was going to be some massive response like the minimum I thought would happen would be that they would throw a drink in my face slap me and walk out and say you're a terrible -
(12:01) that was the minimum I expected and you know what happened when I actually said this truth that I've never been brave enough to say absolutely nothing because I don't think they were even really listening and so that was actually a complete revelation uh-oh no one's paying attention I don't even notices oh good so I started to take some more risks and be myself in front of more people and what I found was that not everything I said was popular but when I'd been trying to second-guess what everyone wanted me to
(12:34) say not everything I'd said was popular then and not everyone's gonna like you regardless of what you say and what I found was actually that when people did like me I felt like they liked the real me instead of the person I was pretending to be and as I grew more and more confident I started instead of asking what will other people think of me if I say that I started asking myself what will I think of myself if I don't say that and ask them out of me grew more aligned enemy so - that tough outer ring and
(13:09) that soft inner core grew more aligned and my back grew stronger Ralph Waldo Emerson said it is now I forgot what he said he didn't say something very exciting it was to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest achievement don't wait for people to come and find you take your true self out of hiding and see how your world changes thank you [Applause]